Prickly Discussions with your Better Half

Have you ever set out on a 35 minute LISS walk with your significant other, only to realize that you have some big ticket items to discuss and suddenly you find yourself having walked 5 miles, feeling super dehydrated, staving and like you just made it through a successful high stakes hostage negotiation? Yup, that was my husband and I after we finally made it home this afternoon.

Now before you freak out and think our discussions leave one of us feeling like the helpless hostage, let me calm your nerves and fill you in on a little secret...we are both the professional negotiators in this scenario, so don't go feeling sorry for either party just yet. Having said that and after navigating our way through some murky waters together this morning, we felt like perhaps our process of tackling topics, discussing them effectively and coming to a mutually beneficial resolution might be of value to some of you, so if you're up for it, stick around for an inside look at what our "what have I done to piss you off lately?" chats are all about.

Let me set the stage for you: this morning, after having finished my workout, my husband casually mentioned that he had extra Amazon points and was going to splurge on his first set of golf clubs to launch his new hobby into orbit. My response, "let's discuss that before you dive in, because to me, when I hear golf, I think it is expensive and time consuming," which led him to say "forget about it."

It was with this interaction in mind, that we set off on our 35 minute LISS walk together...

Of course I couldn't just let that be the end of the discussion, partially because I didn't want to be the one squashing his new dream of becoming Tiger Woods II, but also because I was getting tired of him always abandoning his ventures as soon as I voiced my opinion, so I casually said "so talk to me about golf."

My husband quickly responded with his list of pros for getting into golf, such as he could play with family, friends and coworkers, green fees down here vary greatly and the courses he plans on playing are on the cheaper side, the clubs he was looking at would only be $175.00 with points and he wouldn't go every weekend, leaving plenty of time for us to do day dates as well. Then he of course wanted to know why I felt his new hobby would be expensive and time consuming and I explained that to me, golf was a pricey outing, from the green frees to the cart rental, tee times, food and beverage, and not to mention all the accessories that would undoubtedly come into play at some point (hello sweater vest). In terms of it being time consuming, I definitely felt that it would be yet another hobby that would take him away from me since he already rides a motorcycle which he enjoys with his biker friends, and no, I don't and will not join him on that no matter how much he wants me to.

So there we were, him mad that I didn't support his new hobby and me upset that he wanted to spend money we could have used to do something together on a sport that would draw him away from Lexi and I....at this point, we found ourselves at a crossroads in this discussion, having 2 possible ways to continue:

1. Not seeing eye to eye, we could have kept arguing for our own points of view, getting more frustrated by the minute that our partner wasn't listening to us, which probably would have resulted in me going for a 10 mile run (which I can only do when I'm angry or have a lot on my mind) and him going on a ride, both getting home at the end of the day still mad that we weren't heard by the other.

2. Realizing that clearly we weren't communicating effectively, we each had to put our egos aside and come to the table willing to listen to the other and admit fault where appropriate to hopefully come out of this with a newfound appreciation for each other and a better understanding of what we each need in this marriage.

Lucky for us, we both decided on #2....

The more we dove into the matter at hand, the clearer it became that my husband felt that I was never super excited or supportive of his new ideas (over the past months he has wanted to get a drone, start golf, upgrade his motorcycle, get a mustang to restore, etc.), each of which I was keen to point out the negatives quickly. He felt that by me saying golf is expensive and time consuming, I was effectively shooting his plans down without even giving them a chance and voiced that my reaction made him feel as if I didn't trust him to think things through and just wasn't supportive of his passions as his spouse.

I listened carefully, didn't interrupt and when he finished I explained that it wasn't that I was purposely being the "Negative Nelly" on his propositions, but that I figured he already knew all the positives of his ideas and since he asked for my opinion, I felt obligated to point out the cons he had possibly not thought of. I also mentioned that every time this topic comes up, I feel that while he may ask for and want my opinion, he really doesn't seem to want it at all, basing that on the fact that he routinely shut down each time I gave him my two (negative) cents worth. I went on to say that it hurts my feelings that he seems to pick hobbies that take him away from me, while I focus on things we can do together, such as hike, train for our 1/2 marathon, etc..

Having heard my point of view, my husband lovingly told me that he was sorry he made me feel that way and explained that on the contrary, he very much values my opinion, but asked that I work on my delivery a bit. He suggested perhaps packaging my critical feedback with positive encouraging points, pointing out that a response such as, "hey golf sounds like a great idea, perhaps I could drive the cart or get into golfing myself, but let's also quickly look at the financial obligation of taking up this new hobby" would be much better received than just a simple "well that sounds expensive and time consuming," which I had to admit, was a fair point.

To the topic of another hobby away from Lexi and I, he pointed out that not once has he started a new endeavor with the intent of excluding me, on the contrary, he has always invited me to partake, to which I mentioned that inviting me "to your motorcycle club would be like me signing up for new ballet classes and inviting you to join," over which we had a good chuckle. He also mentioned again that when he thought about golfing, he envisioned it being something we could do together, whether I drive the cart or actually end up hitting balls myself, rather than a pastime he would enjoy on his own. Lastly, he also brought to light that I probably still have PTSD from us living part for 6 years, leading me to be a bit selfish with his time with me, something I still need to work on a bit more, clearly.

After hearing all of that, I had to admit that his point of delivering my opinions with a bit more class and finesse made quite a lot of sense, since when I truly thought about it, that's exactly how he responds to all of my wild ideas and I promised to work on it going forward. He assured me that he would never try to come up with hobbies to avoid spending time with me and that he truly did value my opinion above all else, which if I'm being totally honest, I already kind of knew.

We ended the discussion with each of us understanding where the other was coming from and in this case, me realizing and admitting I was wrong and having some new skills to work on. Ultimately, I think navigating relationship waters can be quite prickly at times, but going into discussions knowing you are both on the same team fighting for the same outcome (aka resolving the matter in a way that allows you to move forward as a stronger couple), listening to each other's points of view and validating feelings, trusting that your partner is never intentionally trying to hurt your feelings and most of all, being willing to admit when you are wrong and saying those three little words "I am sorry" will make your bond that much stronger and your relationship deeper in the long run.

I hope this little insight into how we navigate marriage hiccups has given you a bit of solace, knowing you are not alone in facing bumps in the relationship road, while also perhaps providing you with a couple additional tools to add to your belt before committing to your next '35 Minute LISS' walk with your better half ;-)